Lessons from a Chicken
Today while I was working in the backyard, one of our chickens flew over the fence of the pen and joined me. I thought nothing of it and continued my work. However, before learning that this chicken could fly over the fence and back again, my husband and I would frantically chase her, pick her up, and put her back over the fence into the pen. She would then fly out again. Once we knew she could get herself back in, we stopped trying to help her and just let her be, knowing there was a risk that she could be taken by predators while outside of the pen. We came to accept that reality.
It occurred to me that this situation was a lot like dealing with my alcoholic son. While he was growing up, I tried to control his behaviors and actions, not realizing I was letting myself be controlled by him. When I met my husband, who was in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), he saw what was going on and recognized the disease in my son. As much as my husband tried to help him, my son didn’t want to change. And no matter what I did or didn’t do, my son was going to be who he was.
When my son turned 18, he was kicked out of the house. I didn’t have the heart to do it, but my husband did, because he knew things weren’t going to change if we continued with the way things were. It’s been many years and many ups and downs since then, but thanks to all I’ve learned in Al‑Anon, I have accepted that, like that chicken, my son is who he is, and I can’t control his choices. I can only focus on my own recovery and hope that the predator of alcoholism doesn’t take him when he’s outside the pen of his.
By Monique F., Massachusetts
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
Untwisting the Pretzel
Whenever I’m trying to control things I can’t control and trying to dictate instead of accept, my life starts to feel unmanageable. This feeling is particularly strong when I’m dealing with another person who isn’t acting the way I want them to act—especially when their behavior feels like an injustice against me.
In those moments, I live inside my head, spelling out all of their flaws and mistakes, proving my case for why I’m right, and trying to think of just the right words or actions that will make them do what I want. I twist myself up like a pretzel and only end up feeling even more out of control.
Luckily, with Al‑Anon and a whole lot of practice, I’m getting better at differentiating between the things I can control and the things I can’t. I am learning how to let go of other people’s behavior and find my truth and the courage to act on it. The inside of my head still gets unmanageable from time to time, but now I have the tools and the support system to recognize it sooner and move myself in a healthier direction.
By Matt B., Florida
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
Passing on the Comfort I Found
I came to Al‑Anon out of desperation. I was desperate to learn how to get my alcoholic loved one to stop drinking. I was consumed with anxiety and obsessed about his every move. I felt guilty about neglecting our daughter and believed I wasn’t being a good mom. I had isolated myself from my friends, I was losing focus at work, and I wasn’t sleeping or taking care of myself.
My first meeting gave me hope that if I kept going to meetings, things would get better. At the time, I didn’t realize that meant that I would get better! Regardless of whether my loved one kept drinking or not, I would get better. Imagine that!
I think I cried my way through those first meetings. After one such meeting, a kind older member approached me and spoke to me gently. She told me that I would be okay. Just hearing that I would be okay was the experience, strength, and hope I needed. Then she gave me the most wonderful hug and passed me some neatly folded pages. She said that over the years of coming to Al‑Anon, she had compiled these wise words that had helped her, and she was passing them on to me.
That was almost eight years ago, and that member has since passed away. I continue to go to meetings and have gratefully taken on service, because I truly believe that when I get busy, I get better. I try to be a comfort to new members like she was to me. I pass on her wise words, paying forward her kindness, strength, and hope. Her kindness that day and her wise words continue to comfort and inspire me.
By Karen A., Newfoundland
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.